Delayed due to lack of internet: Annie’s Life Lessons

Today was the official day of touring. We woke up at an astounding 9 o'clock since we didn't have to be ready to go until 10. Our day began with a bamboo rafting trip – "real bamboo, not fake like for tourists" – down one of the rivers that runs along the beautiful Yangshuo scenery. Although I was initially unsure whether or not the driver was going to talk to us at all, he ended up being super charismatic and fun. He made us stop all along the river and took a ton of pictures for us. It was like being rowed through a painting, with brief and somewhat annoying interjections from people trying to sell you things. I guess I shouldn't complain though, since we ended up buying from two of the vendors. From the first, we got a picture – you know, classic souvenir picture. It's great. From the second, we bought some fresh fish! The guy who was selling it was the worst, but I must admit, it was pretty tasty. Overall, it was a relaxing trip and a great way to end our adventure in Yangshuo – I think we spent the perfect amount of time there. It's pretty tiny and I think we hit all of the highlights, thanks to ABA getting it done like she always does.

After our not-so-white water rafting (although there were a few drops here and there!) we boarded the Golden Dragon for the hour and half drive back to Guilin. Now, if we had an average tour guide, this could have been like any mundane drive, but not with ABA. She used the time to instill her wisdom upon us. First, she told us the driver's life story (because she misinterpreted a question Lauren had asked her). She would ask the driver about a detail of his life, then turn around, tell it to us, and then tell us why he had made the wrong choices. Once she had finished tearing down all of the driver's accomplishments she told us some life lessons: 1. Stay at same job for 5, 6 years. Don't change jobs like the driver. Get to know the manager. 2.Get a good education. Find good job. Don't be doctor – I think it's good job but then I think you have to see sick people all day. Ew. That would make your face change. 3. Be busy, but don't be too busy. I think economics, banking, you too busy. We have a Chinese phrase for busy – it means "heart dead." After imparting her wisdom, she wanted to know more about us. Once she found out Lauren is Jewish she got really excited and told her how Jews are the smartest people in the world. We somehow got to talking about World War II, and she told us how she thinks Hitler started disliking Jews because, you know, they're all rich, and when he was young, he was shining a Jew's shoes and the Jew bit him. You're right, Annie. That was probably it. Once we moved on from Lauren's heritage to mine, she was equally as excited. When I told her part of my family came from Italy she exclaimed "That explains it!" When I asked her what she meant, she explained that all of her Italian tour groups love food, and want to try all of the weird, local stuff like the snake wine. Normally, Americans are disgusted by it, so she figures it must be the Italian in me that wanted to try it. Over the rest of the ride, we continued to learn about her opinions and about ourselves – by the time we got back to Guilin we had a lot to think about over lunch.

We went to the restaurant where Hilary and Chelsea Clinton had eaten while Bill was making that speech in the park we went to a few days ago. (Apparently they were too hungry to attend the speech themselves?) The highlight was definitely the soup – which was a mix of green tea and chicken soup, and somehow in the shape of a yin yang. Delightful.

After lunch, we went to a nearby Chinese bank to try to help the driver exchange his American dollars another tour group had given him for yuan, because he said they wouldn't take them when he tried. We felt we were invincible with our passports – we figured that since we're actually Americans, it would somehow make them suspect us less of counterfeiting American money. It turns out that logic was not foolproof as they didn't accept the money from us either. They said it wasn't good enough; it "looked too old." I have never heard of something like that happening ever, anywhere. Luckily, I had a few American dollars in my wallet which they accepted, so we were able to help him out, but really China? I was pretty vocal in my disbelief – so much so that I think the banker understood what I was saying even though she didn't speak any English.

We had the afternoon to ourselves. Being back where we were just a few days before, we did what any logical person would do. We went and took more pictures in the photobooth. It was a great life decision. The woman running it recognized us (we're regulars now) and even laminated these ones for free. They're equally as hilarious as the last ones, and we had just as much fun. It was a great way to spend some time. On our walk back to our hotel, however, we realized how this day had been particularly sedentary between the boat ride and the long drive. We decided to go for a nice, long walk so as to not feel like we belong to the super fat. We explored some new areas, and eventually Lauren found a massage place she wanted to go to. As I mentioned before, I have promised to allow people to touch my feet in Shanghai but they are mine alone until then, so I bid her adieu, walked around a bit more, and headed back to the hotel to attempt to get the wifi to work for a few minutes. (No success.) Around 8:20, I headed out to the Waterfall hotel. As we had never made it there two days ago, I was careful to not miss the "show" again. I didn't quite know what to expect and it started off like any other show involving water – with a bunch of little fountains spraying up water to music – same old, same old. ..until, the coolest thing happened. When they say waterfall show, they mean it. Tons and tons of water started pouring over the entire hotel from the top. I turns out that this hotel is in the Guinness Book of World Records for running the biggest artificial waterfall ever. It was fun to watch, and Lauren even caught the tail end of it after her massage ended. I got a few pictures and videos – hopefully they came out well, but I fear it will be tough to capture the immensity of it.

Newly rejuvenated, we hit the streets once more, in search of a little something to eat. We each got a mussel in garlic and split some rice balls with pork in them. Both good and cheap. We washed it down with a delicious, delicious Crème Puff. Don't judge us – we basically had to as they're on the food list and we hadn't hit it yet. Sadly, time is running out. The bright side of this, however, is the fact that we're off to Shanghai tomorrow! It's the city to which every city thus far has been compared to. I certainly hope it lives up to all I've heard about it. I wish Annie were coming along, but I'm sure she'll offer us some parting words that will serve as all the guidance we'll need! 

Delayed due to lack of internet: Winning in Yangshuo

We're officially obsessed with ABA. She led us on some awesome adventures through Yongshuo today, and she's even started joking with us. She has this hilarious and maniacal little chuckle every time she does something she thinks is funny, which I'm a big fan of. I also love her stories – they're long and involved and I often miss the point, but she doesn't care and will just plow on through and then look at you expectantly. I love her go-to catch phrases – "it's-okay," and "that's for tourists." Most importantly, I love all of the cool things she set up for us today.

Our day began in Guilin. We took a river boat cruise down here to Yangshuo, a super small and beautiful city where we're spending the night. I wish Annie had told us to bring cards or something, because as much as the views were beautiful, I'm sorry to say that it got a bit redundant after four hours. Lauren was being boring and slept for awhile, and Annie was really overeager about going on the top floor of the boat and taking pictures, so I have acquired an unnecessary amount of solo shots from today. We did manage to rouse Lauren for the "top highlight, number one scenery" – we actually saw the scene that is depicted on the back of a 20 yuan bill which was pretty cool  (although I'd value the view a bit higher personally.)

After taking what seemed to be an excessively long time to park the boat, we got off and walked to our hotel. We meandered through a large open market. Even though it was drizzling a bit, we were scheduled to go for a bike ride through the country side and were still excited to go. (Some of you might be aware that biking is not at the top of my list of skills, but I'm pretty good when it comes to leisurely, low-pressure riding.) When we got to our hotel and settled in, ABA told us we had 15 minutes to relax (since she's all business) and that she would meet us down in the lobby to go get our bikes since it the rain wasn't "that big."

Lauren and I each got lovely pink bikes and after adjusting the seats, we set off. In order to get to the country side we had to bike through the city, which is where my internal monologue about how imminent my death was began. It pretty much continued running for the duration of the ride. If you recall, traffic from the inside of a car is scary – take away the metal box protecting you and it's downright petrifying. Obviously, ABA was flying through traffic – a bus came within literally 6 inches of her and she didn't flinch. I thought it would be better once we were off the main roads, but it might have actually been worse, considering there were cars, buses, and trucks going in both directions on a street that was clearly wide enough for only a small car going in one direction. Lauren and ABA seemed unfazed, however, and once I got over the crippling fear of death (and by got over, I mean released my anxiety through gripping my handlebars as hard as humanly possible to give me a false sense of security), I was able to appreciate the incredible scenery we were riding through. I wasn't able to take many pictures because it was raining (aka I was terrified), but we did get one good one proving that we went. It was a beautiful ride and actually a lot of fun. It felt good to move around, and it was a great way to see what Yangshuo has to offer outside of the immediate vicinity of our hotel in the short time we have here.

The highlight of our ride was definitely the stop we made to these old farmers who live in the only original, old style home that live in the area. Two couples live there – a pair of brothers and their wives. They're super old and totally hilarious. They're apparently descendents of a great general in the Qing dynasty. As soon as we entered their house they offered us peanuts picked freshly from their personal farm. They were delicious. They offered us oranges too, but the most exciting things they had were definitely all of their homemade wines. Now, these were not your normal rice wines. There was one that was in a vat of gigantic centipedes, one in a vat of some littler bugs, and one in a vat of poisonous snakes with a giant centipede or two on top for good luck. I asked the man (via Lauren since there was obviously a language barrier) if he actually drank the wines and he demonstrated that he drank a little of the snake wine each day to make him strong. (Annie later explained that the wine helps prevent rheumatoid arthritis. "You eva see snake with rheumatoid arthritis?" Love her.) He then gave a fist pump of success because of how strong he was. Then the best thing ever happened – he offered Lauren and I some snake wine to try. UM, YES PLEASE! (Lauren could not be more disgusted and promised she'd take a picture of me trying it.) He offered me a half shot (explaining that it's very strong and that this is more than enough) and there is a video of me tasting it. That stuff was not wine – it tasted like straight alcohol and was tough to sip politely. I also might die of snake poisoning, but at least I won't have rheumatoid arthritis? Right now however, I feel like a champion. Before heading out, he had his pet birds do flips for us. I wish I had taken a video, but he counted to ten – first in English (his English is on the same level as my Chinese…we probably should have talked about Math and we would have been golden), and then in Chinese – and the birds literally did backflips. How great does this guy sound? ABA knows how to pick 'em.

After our visit with the cool, old people, we continued our ride and somehow made it back to the hotel alive. ABA, being the best, had arranged for us to go see the famous Yangshuo play that takes place on a floating stage. She told us she'd meet us back in the lobby in a few hours. It's unclear how she spent that time as she went back to Guilin tonight (even though she later told us "many tour guides wanted to share a room with me), but I'm sure it was something productive ( since you know how ABA is). Lauren and I headed down the main street to check out the shopping situation. We bought a couple of super cheap and great things, and then obviously were due for a meal. (Typical super fats.) We tried our best to find a restaurant with local fare, and settled on one with an adorable little girl running around. We ended up getting snails (we tried lots of weird things today), some veggies, and the famous local dish – Li River Beer fish. We even got some local beer to go with it. (Lauren was feeling wild.) The snails were surprisingly delicious, and the fish was incredibly fresh…as in the owner of the restaurant literally picked it up out of the tank next door and then cooked it. It was delicious.

After dinner we got ready for the show. We weren't really sure what to expect, and in the ride over, Annie tried to give us a brief summary of what was happening. Obviously, we still had no idea what she was talking about when she finished but we nodded because that's what she wanted us to do. The theater was entirely outside, and it was raining a bit but they provided ponchos. It was actually one of the most interesting shows I've ever seen. The stage was literally in and around the open water and surrounding mountains. Now, I have no idea what was going on, but Annie explained that it was an abstract show and everything gets something different out of it. I took some pictures / videos but don't think either came out particularly well, so I'll provide you with my commentary on what was happening and it you'll have to accept it because you have no other choice.

We open with 5 people who introduce the show. They talked about where they were from (according to Lauren), but I like to think about them like the singing ladies at the start of Hercules. I believe that they gave us a little background (in song form, obviously) to what was about to happen. They introduce our star-crossed lovers, etc. They left and then we meet our main lady. She's all sorts of lonely, just hanging out in a boat by herself. I think she's rich. She just wants love, you know? She sings about it, blah, blah, and then we cut to a scene of everyday life in the village. There's major sexual tension between the girls who were sort of annoyingly shrill when they sang, and the men who were chanting. Also, they were holding fire. I decided that they were displeased with our original lady because she chose to love a commoner, but they actually didn't seem angry at all so the fire might have just been to throw us off. Then we cut to the farmers – this was the coolest part of the show. I can't describe it at all, so instead I'll just continue to make up an unreasonable storyline. The farmers all fall hopelessly in love with our girl, but she's already found love (in a hopeless place). Then there's a cow. (Seriously. Why buy a cow for just one scene?) We're then looking up into the night sky, presumably from the perspective of our lonely lady. Our farmers have now become stars and there's a moon in the middle of the ocean. Then a naked lady's on top of it. She wasn't actually naked, but ABA said when they first opened the show in 2003 she was, but it was too distracting so now she's just in a nude-colored body suit. I have no comments on why that might have happened. Luckily, in the next scene our lovers get married. YAY! Then, the last scene fast forwarded 1000 years and everybody was robots. Fin. Hope that clarified things for you.

After it was over, Annie made some power moves getting us out of there. She had pre-arranged the taxi for us before we went in because she's a forward thinker like that. When we got back we wondered around the market a bit more (it was really big) and got a glass of tea before heading back to the hotel. I got a glass of honey melon milk tea, because I was all about trying weird things today. Pretty good – worth my 2 bucks. Now we're settled in the hotel watching some unreasonable Chinese TV, featuring a show in which orphans perform in a talent show…? So many questions about this country. Luckily, we have ABA for one more day, and she'll likely have a long, involved, and intricately imaginative answer for each and every one. 

Quite possibly the best purchase I've ever made.

You're welcome for sharing. 

First Bill, now us.

Coolest. Cave. Ever.

And then we climbed another mountain.

(Hill.)

Oh, you know. Things our hotel offers.

Classy.